Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
A leaf blower, but for people.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.