Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
every man in east london
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.