Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big Sex has us all fooled

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

We need it on priority

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

I’m aging like a fine banana

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.