*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
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My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Love this one 😂🧟
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket