Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

journal

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

A comic by Dan Piraro

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.