Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.