Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

💀💀

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.