Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
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i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years