Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
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at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
what
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it