Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?