Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
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My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours