Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
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me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Well, that didn’t work.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.