Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.