Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

no one likes gloating

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.