Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Muppet Screams
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence