Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
mathematically impossible