Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Order here:
More here:

Had a spot of bother earlier.

definitely did not do anything wrong

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*