Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
🐶😂
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.