Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming