Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.