Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
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OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
when you are just born a rebel
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆