Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
🤣😂
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.