Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
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My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video