Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
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waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
The three genders
thanksgiving should be called feaster