Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”