Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
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Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
no such thing as a dumb question
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
greetings!