Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

birds and squirrels envy us

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience