Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

R.I.P.

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there