Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

The 6 types of sex

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*