Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
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Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Genius.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.