Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

“Worm Regards”

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

God: you’re a capybara.

Capybara: yay!

God: you’re the largest rodent.

Capybara: double yay!

God: also you live in South America.

Capybara: so cool!

God: wow you’re in a great mood!

Capybara: just living my personal motto!

God: which is?

Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!