Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
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Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
So true for me
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭