Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Introverted vegans go meetless
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Always this one for me forever
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch