Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
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half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I feel seen.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
“You’d better run, egg!”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.