Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
