Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.