Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
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My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
won’t smith
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov