Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
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Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.