Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
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Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper