Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that