Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
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I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have