Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.