Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

weaknesses

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.