Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

*puts cutlery down*