Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
respect
I love it all
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use