-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
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Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
black phone good
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”