Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

I ate everything, including the H.

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..