Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
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am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.