@MartaEffing

Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.

AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.

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@mdob11

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

@goodtimenoel

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

@lovemydogduck

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

@markydoodoo

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

@TheRealRHB

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

@jonnysun

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

@rocknthepurple

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

@iamspacegirl

SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised
They do not look surprised at all