No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
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Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.