You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.
AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised
They do not look surprised at all