@MartaEffing

Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.

AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.

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@DaddyJew

Dad: I had a son once

Stranger: what happened to him?

D: he touched the thermostat

Kid: dad, I’m like right here

D: you hear something?

@PortRooster

Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?

Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!

@U_Want_Shum_M8

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

@mortimermaiden

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

@Just__J0

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

@pixelatedboat

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

@mattgallo123

Everyone’s like “the things I want for Christmas can’t be bought.” And I’m like “Legos. I want legos.”

@jollyrobber

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard