Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
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I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Bruh
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Ok but actually
