Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
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If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
🥴😂
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.