Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
“you look easy to draw”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.