Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
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store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
i want enemies
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
*puts my mental health in rice