Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.