Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

#Caturday

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch