Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi![]()
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[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
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One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?