Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

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My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.


When I tell people I don’t speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home


Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.


Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.


[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*


Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.


[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?


One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.


there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.


Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.