Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
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When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month