@iMikosnyc

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

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@LizHackett

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

@TedBundybitch

When I tell people I don’t speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home

@WheelTod

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

@JWilsonGA

Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.

@e4moji

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

@blade_funner

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

@Skoog

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

@shesananteater

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

@thedayofthedot

there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.

@sarcasticmommy4

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.