Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

The glory of fall.

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

10/10 no notes

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.