Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

“I need a synonym for equivalence.”

“Synonym.”

“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”

“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

i would wish you the best but i am the best

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

I ate everything, including the H.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.