Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

mariah carrie

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.