Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

They did not think through this water fountain

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

🤣😂🤣😂

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Godspeed, John Glenn

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

Happy Taco Tuesday

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny