Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
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cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I’m good, thanks.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
when u come home smelling like another dog
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.