Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
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Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????