Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Life with a cat in one tweet

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

You don’t even know

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.