Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
The Struggle
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.