Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.