Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
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The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I disagree with my politics
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir