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My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Children of the Corn Man
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
it is time once again
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Guilty! 🤪
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it