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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases