tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
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If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.