Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading