Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
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How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
*skinny dips into black hole
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
With this onion ring, I thee fed
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
i want to work in this restaurant
😭😭😭
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.