Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
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me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
fair
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.